So, here's an update on the infamous yet ambitious promise/commitment I made to myself.
Honestly, when I started, it was soooooo horrible!!! I texted my accountability partners a few days in to my commitment telling them I was breaking the promise.
It started out a constant battle. On the one hand, I was fighting every feeling of inadequacy and unworthiness that is probably possible. On the other hand, I was fighting with myself to believe all of the words and promises I made to myself. It was a constant fight between feeling like no one would ever love me and believing my own words when I said that I loved me. Or better yet, that even God loved me at that time.
Fast forward to today. It's Valentine's Day, better known as the day of LOVE. And honestly, I have been a little afraid and skeptical of embracing this day coming all month because I was not sure how I would respond this year. Things have changed, and I knew this wouldn't be one of those days where I was swept off my feet or told how much I was appreciated and loved. I knew I would spend it alone. I knew I would have dinner alone. I knew I wouldn't receive any gifts. No flowers. No strawberries. No super huge teddy bears. No Hallmark cards. No jewelry. No one professing their love for me. No one appreciating or valuing me. Not hearing the words "I love you." Not feeling "loved." And I was scared because I've always struggled with feeling unloved or unwanted. I've always struggled with feeling like no one could or would ever genuinely love me. I've always struggled with this unfilled desire of being cherished, treasured, or valued. Heck, I've always struggled with loving, wanting, or cherishing myself.
But on this journey of this commitment I made to myself, it has been nothing like I expected it to be. True enough, it started out really rocky with a whole lot of tears and a whole lot of pain. The beginning was so rough. I was sad. I was mad. I was alone. I was lonely. I was hurting. I was frustrated. I didn't understand. I couldn't understand. I felt betrayed. I felt devalued, worthless. I felt unlovable. I felt unworthy. I felt abandoned. I was feeling everything I had been trying to escape from all this time. I was feeling all of my greatest fears and voids of all my greatest desires all at one time. And truthfully, it was unbearable. I couldn't take it. My heart couldn't take. I mentally couldn't bear it. I couldn't breathe.
It was hard to breathe, but I found myself inhaling and building myself up. Exhaling and letting go of all the pain. I found myself embracing being alone and every feeling that came with it at that time. And somehow, slowly, very slowly, each day got easier. Each day I learned to love myself a little more. I gave myself reasons to feel lovable. I affirmed the areas I'm great in. I embraced my flaws and exercised ways to eliminate and modify them. I learned to accept myself more. I learned to embrace my undesirable parts and my bad moments. I learned to value myself more. I began to appreciate what I had to offer. I stopped beating myself up. I stopped speaking negatively about myself. I rejected all thoughts of failure. I learned how to find ways and reasons to be satisfied and content even when I don't have everything I desire. I learned how to BREATHE. I learned how to ACCEPT. I learned how to EMBRACE.
So when today came, I was scared, but I was soooo proud of myself. I made it the entire day and have not been overwhelmed with emotions. I'm not in my feelings. I'm not salty. I'm not jealous. I'm not bitter. I'm actually ok. I don't feel unlovable. I don't feel unworthy. I don't feel inadequate. I'm not sad. I am proud today because I have been unmoved. I didn't waver on my promise just to enjoy a day.
So overall, the promise is still a process. I haven't mastered the art of self-love, but I'm actually loving myself and that's more than I could've said not too long ago. AND... I'm learning to truly accept those who do genuinely love are care about me. I'm learning to accept their love and not be afraid of it. I'm learning to trust their love and not fear it. I'm learning to receive love.
-MelMil
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