Hey y'all!!
So, I went to Singles Class one week at church and it has been inspiring me ever since. I don't usually talk about relationships on here, one because I am not a relationship guru or expert. Two, that's just not what I do. However, I have been inspired. So here it goes.
At the end of the live broadcast, I made the comment, "Don't discredit the last bad or unsuccessful relationship, but instead use it as a lens for the next one." Mind you this just came out because I was on the spot, and I have no intentions of getting in another relationship. But I said what I said huh?!
Anyway though, it sparked this conversation that I have been having in my head, and I came to the realization that, My last relationship was by far my worst relationship, but it was also my most valuable relationship."
Now who equates heart break with value? NOBODY!! But it all depends on what value is to you and what you decide to place value on. When my relationship first ended, I could find no value in any part of it. If anything, I felt devalued. I felt stripped. Yet, as time has progressed I realized the immense value that was hidden behind all my pain. I discovered value in the wisdom that it fostered inside of me.
The last relationship broke me, but it taught me. It taught me about myself, taught me how to hear and listen, how to communicate, taught me what I wanted and do not want, what I like and do not like, what I could and would not accept, and . It taught me how to SEE!!!
They say you love blindly, but I beg to differ. We see the signs and we see the flags, but our vison and perception is skewed. I realized I saw everything I needed to see, but the lens I was viewing it through was blurry. But this last relationship definitely "cleaned my glasses."
1. I saw MYSELF!
When most people talk about seeing yourself, they are talking about the bad and flawed parts of you. They ask you, "Do you see what YOU did wrong or that which is 'bad' about you? However, when I saw myself, I had to see more than that. I had to see the good that ultimately led to the bad. The seemingly good that led to an unhealthy relationship or ended the relationship before the bad did. We are willing to work the bad, but we overdo the good. One thing I had to see about myself was that my good and giving heart made me an enabler. My way of loving or pursuit of love ultimately became negative.
enabler: a person who encourages or enables negative or self-destructive behavior in another
So I realized how I was loving my partner was merely feeding one of his negative behaviors. I was enabling him to treat me how I was being treated. I was enabling attributes that I wasn't seeking but ended up fostering anyway. Doesn't sound right, but honey it was so true! I saw beyond my flaws as a person and saw the flaws of my pursuit. It didn't make me a bad person, but it made me human. I had to see the human part of me that desired to be loved so badly that I would pursue it at any cost. Even if it cost me myself. MYSELF!
2. I IDENTIFIED what I was SEEKING and why I was SEEKING
One day my pastor told me I wanted to be rescued so badly that I got up and showed him how to rescue me and laid back down so he could do it. AND y'all he still ain't do it! LOL! Needless to say, I had to identify I was seeking the right thing for the wrong reasons. I was seeking something from my partner that I ultimately could not get. I was seeking a replacement or a rescuer when what I needed was a Healer, THE HEALER. I was seeking love when I didn't even love myself. I was seeking what I thought could make me happy, but had no actual power to do so. And I was seeking all of this cause I couldn't love myself. I didn't know how to love myself. After all this time of feeling unloved and unwanted, I followed suit and chose not to love me. If no one else could, how could I? I wanted someone to choose to love me so maybe just maybe I could love myself. Throwing myself at and begging people to love me so I could build up the courage and strength to love myself. I was seeking what only God can do from another flawed human being. Seeking God and validation in man. And when it all came crashing down and dissipated, I honestly didn't know what to do. I couldn't understand why everyone else could be loved or why everyone else could find love but me. What was wrong with me that not even I could choose me. Not even I could choose to love me. NOT EVEN I COULD CHOOSE ME!
To be continued...
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