Lost: Finding "NO"

I can hear the sirens. See the panic on everyone's faces. One moment there. The next gone. No one knows what happened. Looked up and it was gone.

LOST. AMBER ALERT.

These first 24 hours are critical, because anything beyond that means it can't be found. All of the search parties are on board, but the clock is ticking. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. With each second passing, my heart slows and eventually stops at the notion that I may never find it. I may never find love. The toxic, commercialized fantasy that's well sought after. Seeming to always take, leaving you... Empty... Yet still searching..

Truth is... We are all yet searching; we all want to be loved. We all want that indescribable feeling. Most of us would do anything to be loved, have someone, even anyone, to love us, make us feel like the world. A person who speaks our love language ever so effortlessly and intentionally. We would do anything to feel the warm embrace of love wrap its caring arms around us, hold us, and make us feel safe. And when I say anything, I do mean ANYTHING. We will diminish and devalue our own worth, not because we aren’t aware of it but because we value that feeling more than anything. We will change who we are just to fit in this mold of who they said they would love, in mere attempts to feel like we have a spot in someone's heart. We will intoxicate ourselves with this poison that we call love, for we’ve made love so unhealthy.

So unhealthy to the point that it makes us sick. Sick of failed expectations. Sick of giving everything just to receive mere scraps of nothing. Sick of filling voids with empty words. Sick of lies and deceit. Sick of fighting. Just SICK. And here I am, in recovery.

Trying to recover the me that was lost in the chaos. Trying to recover worth and value. Trying to recover who I am, who I'm supposed to be. Trying to recover from the pains and the failure. Trying to recover the love I never had for myself. Trying to recover self-esteem. Trying to recover confidence. Trying to recover hope. Trying to recover strength. Trying to recover. Trying to recover ME.

Living in constant fear. Fear that I could go into remission. Fear of being sick again. Fear that if I try again, it will just end the same way. Fear that this is my constant, forever state. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the possibility, the impossibility. Fear of no. Fear of yes. Just afraid. Fearful of wanting and not having. Fear of desires, wishes, and expectations being failed. Just afraid. Fear that trying is simply another word for failing. Fear that it's not mine to have. Fear that hoping is pointless. Just afraid, scared, frightened even.

I program myself to tell me no. Tell me no because I'm too afraid of the risk. Tell me no, because if I say it long enough, maybe just maybe, the yearning will fade. Tell me no, so I'm not disappointed when it doesn't happen. Tell me no because I'm too afraid of what yes looks like. Tell me no because accepting no is a lot easier than waiting on if there is a yes. Tell me no so that I don't have to worry or fear. Tell me no so that I know what the future holds and don't have to question. Tell me no so I don't have to repeat the same pain. Tell me no so I don't risk getting sick again. Just tell me no, because that's what it feels like anyway. Just tell me no because I don't want to want it anymore. JUST TELL ME NO. Just tell me no, so when all else is lost, I can rest in the fact that I found a no. Because finding a "NO" is simply easier.

TO BE CONTINUED...

-MelMil