Strength No One Understands

No one knows how I simply wish that I had been afforded the opportunity to merely choose if I wanted to be daddy's girl. No one knows how many times I simply wanted to be daddy's little princess. No one knows how I just wanted to be protected, comforted, and held. No one knows how I desired to run into daddy's arms and be told I am beautiful. No one knows how many times I just wanted to be able to run to daddy and his strength let me know everything was going to be alright. No ones knows how I wanted to see daddy as this amazing hero that could save the world, or at least mine. No one knows that there were days I simply yearned for a father.

A desire never fulfilled that broke my heart but made me strong. Maybe in some cases too strong. So strong that I truly believe my name was a prophetic decree over my life, that I will be made strong. Surrounded by people that do not understand why I must be, desire to be, and pride myself in being strong. Maybe they tell me to be less of it because they never HAD to be it. They were given the opportunity to CHOOSE to be it. Maybe if he had been there, I could have chosen when I wanted to be strong too.

This strength created a weakness in me that has desires of being filled but fears of being devastated. There are times I feel so alone because not one person close to me truly knows or comprehends what happens to a girl without her father. They don't understand what it's like missing those forehead kisses, big tight hugs, and the strength of daddy's hands as they pick you up. They don't know how it feels to miss the joys of being able to run into his arms and climb up on his lap snuggled up in the safest place for daddy's little girl. They don't understand how disheartened I get when the guy they are dating reminds them of their experiences with their dad. They could never know how much it hurts not to be able to say he reminds me of my father and the way he protects me, looks out for me, or loves me. They just don't understand the value of having a love to compare to or foundational understanding of how they should truly be treated. The idea of having to protect and guide themselves is completely foreign. They can't comprehend the disadvantage of not having someone to scare all the bad guys away. They don't know the pain and the struggle of being so unwanted that you don't even have someone to walk you down the aisle and give you away. They don't know how many times you ask why or how many times you blame yourself. They don't know how many times you get frustrated because people simply tell you that you shouldn't be this product of your environment. They don't know how many times you get sick and tired of people telling you to love a man who never loved you. They don't know how irritating it is for people to tell you to develop a relationship with this man who doesn't even know you, know your likes/dislikes; know your thoughts; know what you love; know what makes you happy or what upsets you - a person who doesn't know you beyond your favorite color and your first name, because it's not hard for him to remember his last name. They don't know how hard it is getting blamed and seeming like the bad person because you call him your sperm-donor. ALTHOUGH, you're just calling it how you see and feel it. They don't know how you shut down when they tell you to stop being strong, when that's the only thing you know how to be and the only choice you were given to be. They don't know the joyous torture of watching him get it right with your little sister but still feeling neglected because you never had the opportunity. They don't know how many deep breaths were required to type these words. They don't know how many times and in how many different ways you truly needed this man.

-MelMil