1 million broken pieces that YOU gave me
and expect me to put back together again.
But I didn’t break me.
This is the hand you dealt me.
No spades.
Hearts. I’m bleeding.
I thought no clubs was enough.
But there’s still no diamonds on my hand.
But you expect me to be faithful.
God-Ordained.
God-Allowed.
Either way all power is still in your hands.
And it’s all your will anyway.
I didn’t ask to be born, YOU ordained that.
My broken home and the pains that came, YOU allowed that.
Mama nem didn’t want me, I couldn’t take that.
Daddy left me, hard to accept that.
But everybody is yelling embrace that.
And... you expect me to be faithful.
Truth is, I’ll never be mama’s baby.
And her embrace will never be able to make me smile.
Truth is, I’ll never be daddy’s little girl.
He’ll never be able to walk me down the aisle.
Truth is, I’ll never be able to make up for any of this.
But they say serving God will pay off after a while.
And... you expect me to be faithful.
Honestly after a while doesn’t seem to be showing up any time I soon.
I really wanna Call Tyrone cause I’m getting tired of his… of this…
I’m just tired.
Tired of going up and down all around,
Emotional roller-coasters spiraling down.
He loves me. He loves me not.
The stable chaos of the heart.
Makes me sick.
Sick of overdosing on sweet nothings.
Empty.
Sick of snorting up I’m sorry’s just to feel whole again.
Empty.
I’m empty.
He filled me?
And I’m empty?
He filled me?
And I’m empty?
He filled me?
And I’m empty?
Moments like these in the emptiness, not even YOUR voice seems sound.
So distant, YOU left me.
Snatching up all my desires. YOU’VE forsaken me.
Not answering my calls. Not sure YOU even love me.
But you STILL expect me to be faithful.
HELLO. From the other side.
Can you hear me?
No, no daughter.
Can you hear me?
I must’ve a tried a thousand times to tell you.
I love you.
Shown you over and over again.
I love you.
Do you remember when you were 6?
Looking at the end of a gun, your life threatened for defending another’s.
Do you remember when you were 8, 9?
Afraid to go to sleep because she had threatened to stab you then.
Do you remember when you were 10, 11, 12?
And you wanted to kill yourself. Take your own life by your own hands.
Do you remember when you were 13?
And your mama had to hide your pain meds away from you.
Do you remember when you were 14, 15?
And you started trying to fill voids with bottles.
Do you remember when you were 17?
Do you remember when you were 18, 19?
And all these cycles started all over again.
Drinking to drown out the pain.
Smoking just to breathe, not go insane.
You’re 23 now.
I did that.
No expectation.
Just can you?
Will you be faithful?
You just want me to be faithful?
Do you remember how many nights you cried until you couldn’t breathe?
Wishing that you were invisible.
Praying death would hurry up and finish its job on you?
If not you, them.
I remember every night.
Every night. Every tear. Every scream.
Every night fear would trap you.
Every night agony would subdue you.
Every night depression would choke you.
Every night you laid there wishing, hoping that someone would come and hold you.
Tell you that everything was going to be ok.
That you would be rescued by daddy, Prince Charming some day.
Ignoring ME. Ignoring my presence.
No expectation though.
Just can you?
Will you be faithful?
You just want me to be faithful?
Even though I’ve failed You time and time again.
Blamed You endlessly for the pain you allowed me to experience.
Defouled my temple when things got rough.
Looked for what I needed in everyone and everything else, but you.
I’m a harlot.
Unfaithful.
Prostitute.
And, you just want me to be faithful?
You’re not mad at me?
You still love me?
Crazy about me?
And I just can’t be faithful.
Faithful enough to see that…
All those broken pieces were just so you could make me whole again…forreal.
Faithful enough to see that…
I was worried about that hand, when I had the MASTER play
the KING of all kings, SPADE of all spades, bigger than all the jokers.
Faithful enough to see that…
You were preserving and reserving me.
Making sure that I could be faithful over a few things.
Ruler over many.
God I just want to be faithful.
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