The heartbeat had long been gone, and she had coded days, weeks, even months ago. Yet no one could hear the long beeping sound of the cardiac monitor signaling the loss of life. Her body was turning cold and rigor mortis was setting in. Nothing was left but a mere vessel that had once lived, but no one could see. No one could see that this life was gone. Not even I... knew I was dead.
...I grew up a church girl. Apostolic to be more specific. That means Acts 2:38 was my life and my way to life. It was the foundation of my biblical knowledge. REPENT! Be BAPTIZED in the name of the Lord JESUS Christ! And be ye FILLED with the gift of the HOLY GHOST with the EVIDENCE of speaking in tongues as the spirit gives the utterance! You had better get it, eat it, breathe it, live it, and recite it backwards. This was the sole essence of my walk with Christ. Needless to say, I did ALL of that. I was good and full of the Holy Ghost, out tongue-talking everybody, and you couldn't stop me from getting in a good buck or shout in on Sunday morning. Only if I had known that the time would come when that buck would disappear, those tongues would come few and far in between or even absent, and that fullness would somehow reveal nothing but emptiness. Only had I known that this beginning of life would actually be a walk into death.
A walk that wouldn't take too long either. I mean, 3 phases and you're there.
1. Spiritual Height
My Pastor often says, "Preaching gets you saved. Teaching keeps you saved." Never have I understood that principle more than I do now, especially looking back in retrospect. It was the terrible state of my soul pricked by the amazing word of God that pushed me right into salvation. I was preached out of the pit of hopelessness and depression and right into salvation. Salvation was the process, but the Holy Ghost was the goal. Or so that is what I was taught. So, I reached the goal, and for me that was the height. The sky was limitless at that point, and I felt like I had made it to the destination, the answer to all of my problems, and the key to life. I was high in God. I was zealous. I was wrapped up and tangled up in the joy of the Lord. I was eating the word, and communing with God. Nothing could stop me. Nothing could disappoint me. This was it. This was my time, my moment. This was why I was created. Created to be filled, filled with His power, His anointing, His presence.
2. Spiritual Plateau
I was full... for awhile. However, that's all I was. A consistent level of full. Not really lacking but not overflowing either. Life was happening and every other area in my life was moving except for my spiritual life. It didn't matter though, because I was full of the Holy Ghost and speaking in tongues. It didn't matter that I was not growing. It did not matter that I was stagnant, because all I needed was the Holy Ghost. I simply needed to continue speaking in tongues and everything was going to be ok. It did not matter that I was still holding on to some nasty things on the inside. It did not matter that I was still broken in some areas. It did not matter that I was not dealing with my deeply-rooted and excruciating painful memories of childhood and unfortunate events. All that mattered was that I was full, full of the Holy Ghost and speaking in that heavenly language. Because you see, tongues, they can carry you.
3. Spiritual Decline
Tongues can carry you...
Carry you right into a downward spiral of hurt and confusion. The Holy Ghost and tongues is a great and amazing supernatural manifestation, but it CAN NOT maintain you. Unfortunately, I did not realize that until a little too late, and before I knew it I was on my death bed barely holding on to life. I did not know I was dying, nor the reason. I did not even see the spirit of death sneak up on me. All I knew was I thought I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. I had the Holy Ghost. I was speaking in tongues. I was giving every ounce of myself to ministry EVEN when I did not feel like it. I was a servant. I was in leadership. I was in ministry. I was trying to get everyone to the fountain to drink, but the entire time I was dehydrated. I was in my own little drought. I was hooked up to a ventilator trying to give life to everyone else. Then, I finally coded. I lost my fight for life and with life. I gave up. I hit rock bottom and kept going. All I could ask was how and when? How and when did this happen? How and when did I die? How did I die with the Holy Ghost? How did I die speaking in tongues?
Then... It hit me. I had failed to fulfill my obligation to maintain this life I had been given. I had died by default in a dead place. There was nothing sustaining me or edifying me. I was relying on tongues and a good buck to keep me. But after a while, that faded, and there was nothing left. There was nothing breathing in me or on me. I was trying to get life from a dead place. I thought I could live among the dead and prosper. I truly thought I could get life from a place that could no longer produce. I was so caught up in my religious routine, background, and denomination that I was choking myself. I was too obligated to the building and to the people that I neglected myself. I neglected my walk. I turned my eyes to my own death all in fear that leaving would be more painful and more deadly than truly finding life. Death had me bound. Death had its hooks in me and wasn't trying to let me go. Honestly, I wasn't trying to let it go either. But one day I encountered powerful teaching that resuscitated me and is the only thing that's keeping me. I'm no longer dead by default, but living on purpose.
P.S. If you're in a dead place, do not think that you can get life from that which has already withered up. You are not bound to a particular building or denomination. You should be bound to truth and life. He came to give us life and that life more abundantly. Go find you an overflowing fountain. I did, and it was the best decision of my life. If you need help finding one, I always recommend
The Epicenter Church
3102 Monticello Dr.
Jackson, MS 39212
-MelMil
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