My mother would always say as I was growing up, "I don't care about what they're doing in your friends' houses, but this is what we do in my house."
And so was that same sentiment when it came to my church. If you've ever grown up in "holiness" or extreme denominationalism, you get it. You are taught outside of your church, nothing else is right. You are taught to fear going and experiencing other worship encounters in fear that they will deter you from or diminish what you believe. It is dangerous to mingle with these "nonbelievers" because somehow they might steal your salvation, your holyghost. You had to know that all Apostolics/Pentecostals aren't even the same, so you need to just stay in your sector. You had to know non-denominationalism was the devil because anybody who believed in the holyghost and couldn't label it was afraid to take a stand. Basically, you were taught to be afraid of leaving regardless the circumstances.
Thus, one of the most difficult transitions I have ever made in my life was switching church homes. Not simply a place of worship. Not just a building. But HOME.
I recall 2015 when I first started visiting my now church home. I still remember the first message I heard my now Pastor preach. The word literally catapulted my life and immediately pushed me to check myself. And the presence of God, I had never experienced it so tangible, so real, so raw, so authentic. Simply put, I had every reason to join right then and there, but I couldn't, I wouldn't. I was too afraid of leaving, regardless the circumstance.
I finally left, but here's why the transition took about 9 months...
Addiction: The Familiar and The Routine
I was addicted to the familiar and to routine. I was tied down to my denomination, to my titles, and to my responsibilities. On the one hand, I was paralyzed by the fear that leaving would cost me everything, my soul, my salvation. Leaving would cost me HEAVEN. On the other hand, I had positions and responsibilities. Positions and responsibilities that weren't even mine, but dropped in my lap anyway. Some I was qualified for, others not so much. But I had to step up and do it anyway to the best of my ability. By the end of it, I found myself somewhat responsible for everything, doing everything, being everything. Music Department. Adult Choir. Youth Choir. Dance Team. Sound System/Mics. Musicians. Announcements. Serving the Pastor. Serving the First Lady. Youth Department. Youth Revival. Youth Programs/Events. Friday Night Prayer. Saturday Early Morning Prayer. Altar Working/Junior Missionary. Late Night Therapist. And everything in between. I was addicted to this unbalanced version of ministry.
I call it an addiction now because I knew all along it was doing nothing for me, not edifying me, not benefitting me, not changing me. Although I LOVED it and it was service to God, it wasn't truly adding to me because I allowed it to deter me from working on me. But I had to keep getting my fix. I was addicted to the thought that doing ministry was enough in itself. Shooting up on giving everything I had to ministry. Getting high off of making the naysayers wrong. I was ADDICTED. I was addicted to my ROUTINE, and the entire time neglecting my soul. Keeping myself high not to really feel, to be numb to what I needed to work on. Keeping myself high not to face the reality of not growing and being a mediocre Christian. Keeping myself high just to hide the fact I had no real RELATIONSHIP with this God I called myself serving, and truthfully hiding the fact I didn't even really know Him like I said I did. So when everything came tumbling down and the walls of ministry fell, I was left with nothing. Just me and a mirror.
Bound: Chains of a Silenced Worship
It was that mirror that made me see. See how bound I was. See everything that I lost. Lost joy. Lost happiness. Lost fulfilment. Here I was with a mirror reflecting exactly what it saw. Nothing. Emptiness. It was in this moment I found myself at The Epicenter Church sitting in the back in jeans and a hoodie OVER my head. As my pastor loves to say, "Hiding." I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want anybody else to see any gifts and talents to use up. I was done with ministry. I was 0.5 seconds away from leaving church/God. I was DONE and I was just sitting there. And if you know me, Brianna is never just sitting or never not doing. If you know ANYTHING about me, you also know I LOVE to dress, especially dress up. I used to come to church dressed in nothing but my Sunday best- suits, stockings, shoes, the whole spread. But here I was in a hoodie and couldn't even force myself to put on real clothes. And baby, if you've known me any length of time, you also know I'm a church girl to my core. Hand-clapping, foot-stomping, tongue-talking, fire-baptized, Holyghost filled church girl. You know I'm relentless about my walk with God and an unashamed radical praiser who doesn't mind taking a few laps, a jump, throwing down that footwork, or hitting y 'all with that good old fashioned buck. Yet here I was, paralyzed.
I was sitting in a spirit-filled service unmovable. Here I was in a place that had high praise and deep worship, and I was unmovable. I was in a place where the presence of God was, and I was unmovable. In a house full of God's glory, and I was unmovable. Every time I entered church, I felt like someone had spun me around in a big chain from my head to my toes, placed a muzzle on my mouth, and tied me down to the chair. I wanted to praise and physically could not move. I wanted to worship and my body wouldn't budge. I wanted to be free, but honestly, I was nothing more than bound. I had done a whole lot of works and a whole lot of ministry, and I was BOUND! A harsh reality, but the truth I needed to see and face.
I needed that mirror. It pushed me. It made me deal with me.
Some people will never know what its like to be in a church HOME. The hardest transition in my life became the GREATEST decision in my life. A lot of people don't really know the extent of the impact my leaders, Bishop Lionel and First Lady Lashawn Traylor, and The Epicenter Church has had on me. I remember giving God specific stipulations when it came to joining another church. One of the most important stipulations I told Him was, "I won't join another church unless you give me a sure word about what you've called me to do, AND it's a church that can grow, mature, and cultivate me in that area." The Epicenter Church has far exceeded my stipulations and truly changed my life for the better.
-MelMil
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