I simply laid there frozen as the massive lump swelled and swelled eventually filling my throat. I could not breathe, and I could not move. I was glued to the bed as the tears trickled down the sides of my face creating this still puddle of pain and shame. My fear was finally engulfing me. Every thing and every thought was invading every crevice of my mind. All I could feel was the letters being engraved throughout my very being. F... A... I... L... U... R... E...
Each tear represented another reason why I had failed, what I had failed in, and how with each passing moment I was just continuing to fail. The girl with so much potential and so much drive was a failure. This thought alone made me want to disappear. If I could dissipate like a vapor, somehow present but invisible all at the same time I would. How did I go from overachieving to worthless? How did I go from the sky being the limit to the floor being my ceiling? How did I get from being able to become whatever I wanted to become to becoming nothing? How did I get in this low place of having no purpose, no potential? How?!
Before I can even answer the questions, I hear the loud sinister laugh of failure. All the words spoken over my life come flooding back through my memory. I remember I was never supposed to be anything anyway. According to society, I was supposed to be a statistic because my mother was single mother and my dad wasn't there. That was understandable though. What else do you expect from society? However, it was more than those shallow words that haunted me. It was the sentiments of the people closest to me that had stabbed and wounded my heart. I remember how I was supposed to be just like my mother. College drop-out. Pregnant out of wedlock. Mediocre, non-paying job. Barely living. Living with my mother, well my grandmother cause mama is already living with her mama. I wasn't supposed to amount anything. Nothing I ever did was good enough. It wasn't supposed to be because I was supposed to be a failure regardless. Despite understanding this, I told myself you could measure up. You can make them eat their words. You can do it. Yet, I am here and I have done nothing but meet their expectations.
I often wonder am I failing because of all the hard work I put into not becoming a failure. I worked so hard at proving them wrong that I know nothing about myself. Or maybe it is not the fact of not knowing. It's the fact I lie to myself everyday and force myself to believe I have absolutely no idea what my passion is. Yet, I know exactly what my passion is. I know the one thing I've ever dreamed of doing, both figuratively and literally. I know the one thing that constantly weighs me down because I'm not walking in it. I know the one burden that I carry just wishing I will have the opportunity to lift the weight and fulfill purpose. Every day I wake up unsatisfied because I'm the most afraid of failing at the one thing I'm supposed to do. The idea that I will never help the people I was designed to help terrifies me. Knowing that there are people in this world I am assigned to that are simply waiting on me to line up with my destiny makes me petrified. I am afraid of walking around that which I am predestined to accomplish. I know the one thing I am called to do. However, I run from it pinned down by the fear that I will never be good enough at it. I will never be as effective as I desire. I will never measure up to those who have come before me. I won't speak as eloquently. God won't grace my words with His anointing. I won't be relevant. I won't have enough understanding and knowledge. I won't measure up. I won't be what He needs. I won't have enough power. I don't mean power as in influence. I mean power as in authority, the ability to shake up every place I go walking in my God-given destiny. I mean the power to manifest the power of God wherever I go. I mean the power that is so strong that the power of God In me destroys every yoke, breaks every chain, slays every demon, and defeat all of Satan's vices. At the end of the day, I could care less about having a big name and a grand itinerary, I just want to be good, efficient, and effective. I want to be used with purpose. I don't want to just be another vain name that can't manifest the power of God; I want to be a force to be reckoned with. I don't want to be a failure. Honestly, I just don't want to fail God. He's never failed me, and I owe Him this. I know I could never repay Him, but I want to give it my best shot. I want to leave empty. I don't want Him to regret choosing me.
-MelMil
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